Amazinzay.com

People all think that they are different that is one way they are all the same.

This is so true. I used to think that I was different I was ok with change, I didn’t get depresed, I was a fairly content person, I had it all together. Problems were for other people not for me. Well now I have problems and it sucks. I wish that my life was like it was but things have irreversibly changed. My mom is dead and there is no way she is coming back. My life can never be the same. So now I have to cope with it and I am doing a lousy job of it. Life seems to go on and I seem to be left behind. A victim of my thoughts. I feel the need to understand life so I anylize it look at it from every angle possible and end up more confused than ever.

I’m stuck. I don’t know how else to put it. I am stuck in this place of faking it on the outside but hurting on the inside. “I am fine” I tell myself over and over but it doesn’t help. If anyone asks “Are you ok?” my answer is yes but the truth is no, I am not ok, I am hurting worse than I have ever hurt before but I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like crying but I cannot, I physically can no longer cry even when I feel like I need to. I seem to only be able to cry when I am around people but then I don’t want to cry. “I need to be strong” I tell myself, but how can I be strong when the pain overwhelms me so that I feel like nothing matters?

-zay

Is my real weakness my need to be strong?

Hacked and happy birthday to me!

Well I am no longer a part of the human video group. I refused to do a can-can line and so the leader told me that if that was the way it absoulutely had to be then they would have to either find someone else or cut the part altogether. I can’t say that I am extremely upset, I was kind of leery of the whole thing but I was willing to do whatever was asked of me and I did until it came to the can-can line. I know people are going to say I just wasn’t willing to put my all into it and some people will think that it is my fault if it doesn’t advance but I do not feel comfortable doing a can-can line. The leader asked me if it was because I was afraid of looking stupid and I said “if I was afraid of looking stupid I would have quit when I was supposed to jump rope or when I was supposed to hand out lunch, it isn’t that, I just would not feel comfortable doing a can-can line on stage.” and it is true. So that is why I am no longer a part of the human video.

Well I updated my story, I haven’t finished it yet but I figured I would post what I had. It isn’t great, the first part is the best, but read it anyway. My Story

Why is grief something I have to make myself do? I thought that grief was something you just did, not something you had to force yourself to do. Am I so used to suppresing my emotions that just to display grief I have to force myself? This is not how grief is supposed to go. When I am grieving I feel good. But then comes the time when I can no longer force myself to grieve I don’t know how. and it is then when I need help the most. and it is then when I don’t want to let people know. I have to tell myself that telling people will help because people care about me and they want to and can help. I don’t understand grief and it is harder now then ever to grieve. I found this quote and it is very true: It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses.
-amazinzay

I wrote a story the other night check it out and tell me what you think.
My Story

I was thinking today about being normal and changing. What does it mean to be normal? Why am I so scared to change? I used to think that I was not scared of change, but now I realize that I am. I don’t want to change I want to stay the old me where I was okay and comfortable with being anti-social. Also, why is it so hard to act normal? Am I afraid that people won’t like the real me? I think that is it. I think that if people saw me as I really am they would be like: “wow he is absolutely despicable” now I know that that is way exaggerating but I think that it is true to some extent. I don’t want to change but I don’t want to stay this way.

-amazinzay

I fear change because I am afraid I will become that which I despise.

It is said that the eye is the window to the soul. But what is it about the eye that displays emotion? The eye itself does not change beyond the Dilation of the pupil. So what part of the eye shows it? I know that there have been times when people say “I see it in your eyes” But what in the eye shows it? What makes the eye show pain or suffering?

-amazinzay

How do her eyes captivate me like they do?

I walked down the driveway barefoot today and I thought about the pain of the hundreds of rocks digging into my feet as I did and here are some of the things that I thought of:

What is pain? I describe the feeling in my stomach when I am sick as pain and I also would describe the feeling of the rocks sticking into my feet as pain, yet they are totally different things are they not? Is pain anything undesirable? If so can you acquire a taste for pain as you would a drink? I think that scotch is nasty and would never drink just because yet if I drank it enough I would begin to acquire a taste for it. So can I acquire a taste for pain? Can I make it so that I enjoy pain? So what is pain and why is it considered bad? Why do I think that walking down the driveway barefoot is bad simply because the feeling of rocks sticking into my feet does not feel good? Why does it not feel good? What is the difference between that and a massage? Why is one bad and one not? And then there is emotional pain. What that is a totally different feeling than the pain I mentioned earlier yet I still classify that as pain SO WHAT IS PAIN?

-amazinzay